Change.

The only consistent thing in life, is change. I am perplexed deeply these days. I've set a vow, a deep commitment to be true to myself and to be virtuous to others. I dedicate myself to changing myself to be a better man, to improve and excel.

However, something pulls at me, witholding me, restricting me from tearing free from the life before me. The chaos of the passage of time within these several months have torned and stripped away almost all the past years of my life. The broken memories disappear into invisible creases and ceases to exist.

I am beginning to lose my 'identity' yet in doing so, I do not feel hollow. In doing so, I feel whole, I feel as if I am complete as if some purpose in my existence is being achieved. My fencing is fading away, slowly being replaced by the italian longsword. The bittered and anguished figure fading into a face with a light smile.

When I look myself in the mirror, I cannot feel more proud of the decision that I've made and yet, remorseful for the sins I have commited both knowingly and unknowingly. It is said that "There is no greater satisfaction for a man than to be able to look in a mirror while shaving, and be proud of what he saw." and I am proud of what I saw.

I feel sad however, for 'I', who have died. He did not die peacefully, neither did he die with dignity. It was a slow, tormented and painful existence which scarred him deeply. He searched vainly for an answer, for more than a decade.

Que Sera Sera.